My Weight Loss Journey: Being Mindful

As you probably can guess, I went to the nutritionist today! Yes, I still love her. And I'm learning a lot every time I go. I think this the third time I've seen. Maybe 4th. But I think 3rd. Anyway, it went really well.

****Disclaimer: 1) I'm going to talk about "lady stuff" for bit and 2) I'm going to express my personal opinion about "weight loss" surgeries. This is just my personal opinion. If you are easily offended I am warning you now so you can close this page and read no further.*****

The first thing she usually asks me is how I have been doing as far as my eating goes. So I told her that last week was terrible for me. Not only was it Thanksgiving but I also had my period (told you, TMI. Not too late to turn back now.) She was really understanding of the crazy hormone surge and of the fact that it was Thanksgiving and pretty much the week was a wash. I didn't go to the gym either because well, I had my period and just didn't feel like it. Simple as. But like she says, I just need to dust myself off and move on. I can't beat myself up when I eat something I'm not (I don't want to say fail because I haven't failed.). Because when I start to feel guilty I want to eat more. See the cycle here? So I'm learning to pick myself up by the boot straps and move on when I "splurge" on something I shouldn't or more often than I should.

I'm sure I mentioned this in a previous post but she has written a book about managing PCOS with diet and exercise. So when I have an appointment and I'm waiting in the waiting room I read her book. Today I read something that totally set me free. It was so simple that you might think it's ridiculous but for me it has changed my whole look. In this particular paragraph (more  like a sub paragraph) she was talking about how women with PCOS tend to express concerns with feeling like they're addicted to carbs like white bread and pasta and also just feeling like the struggle with weight and body image more than the average person. And women with PCOS also tend to suffer from depression. Not always but some do because of dealing with this syndrome that not many doctors even understand and its hard to find help and support and because of things like excess body hair and facial hair (which thank the LORD I do not suffer from), lack of energy, body image issues, etc. Now, I know what you're thinking "THIS changed your life?!!" Yes it did. It set me free from the guilt and sense of feeling alone in this. There other women out there who feel the same way and also I have PCOS. I'm not lazy or undisciplined or whatever the other "fat people" stereotypes are out there. Not don't get me wrong, I'm overweight for a reason but having PCOS is a huge factor. I wish I could explain all the scientific factors and the science of insulin resistance, but I can't. You can buy her book ( Hillary Wright - The PCOS Diet Plan ). All I know is reading this today I felt so much lighter in spirit. Simple yet profound.

I didn't tell her any of this because we always have so much to cover that I just really didn't have time. But we talked about what I've learned and how I'm changing the way I eat and how I'm getting more active. I am active more often than not. In other words, I go to the gym or do the Wii Fit about 4 times a week so I'm exercising more days a week than I'm not. I'm eating my veggies which I don't always enjoy but I'm doing my best. And I eat A LOT of them. I will soon look like a broccoli. Any day now. We talked about how I feel so much better when I'm eating healthy. I told her how when I used to eat crap all the time and I was bloated pretty much all the time, to me, that was the norm. Now, even if I'm slightly bloated I feel awful! Which is good because it makes me want to eat healthy. I hate feeling bloating and gross when I eat a cookie or a donut (Dunkin Donuts *drool*) , or too much pasta, but that gross feeling is my body saying "hey, you're not supposed to eat that". I'm doing better with that and being mindful of what I eat and really thinking "If I eat this, how is it going to make me feel?" instead of just being a mindless eating machine. Be mindful of what you eat. Think twice. You'll be surprised. And plan ahead so you can be successful.

She was really proud of me and my progress. (I almost cried when she said she was proud of me, saddo, I know.) And I just said I'm far from perfect, I still have bad days, and bad weeks, but I'm learning not to stay in that rut. I'm changing my behaviors and my life style. I'm learning to cook for two people, not an army. Craig and I are both eating less. And I'm not where I was a year a go. This is a journey. Not only do I need to lose weight but I need to manage my PCOS, None of this happens over night. I need to change the way I think. She talked to me about  Pavlov's Dog Theory and obviously I'm not a dog, but the same principle applies. We have learned behaviors that we need to unlearn. It takes more time to unlearn them than it does to learn them. Our eating habits are learned behaviors.

I know I'm rambling a bit but I always feel so empowered and encouraged when I see her. But bare with me.

Something else that she said to me was "You seemed very intimidated the first time you came here, now you seem empowered." She hit the nail on the head. I was sick of people (doctors) telling me I was over weight and I needed to lose weight but would never offer any solution or support. I feel like I have that now. I don't feel lost. I don't feel hopeless. (****This is the part I talk about surgery. Last chance to turn away.***) Surgery is not an option for me. For a few reasons but I especially feel like I wouldn't LEARN how to be healthy. Eating whatever you want and throwing it up after, thereby losing weight, is not healthy. Not being able to eat a lot or not being able to eat certain things without consequences is not learning to me. I want to learn how to eat and be healthy, not just for me but so I can show my kids how to be and eat healthy. I don't want to show them that it's OK to eat what you want and be overweight because there's a surgery for that. And I don't want them to ever go through life overweight like I have. It took me a long time but I finally feel like I can do this. And I think anyone can do this with support.

I know this was a long post and I was all over the place but I still hope that it made sense and you got something out of it.

My Weight Loss Journey: Laying a Foundation

I saw the nutritionist again last week. I really like her. We talked about what I've been eating, how many times a week I go to the gym, or get some kind of exercise, and we talked about how I feel like this is really hard. My exact words were "I feel like this is so hard for me." Her response? "Because it IS hard." That made me feel better. All in all I felt really good about what we talked about, I always learn a lot when I'm there and I leave feeling empowered. I made another appointment and I think that I will see her for a while.

Craig and I are hoping to start IVF in January. I still have some internal things that need to clear up but as of this moment that's the plan. And the other day I was eating lunch and I starting thinking about trying to eat good and prepare my body for a baby. Not just for me but more so for the health of the baby. I was thinking of a couple of things: 1) How lucky am I that I actually have the chance to prepare my body for the baby? Not many people get that opportunity. It's usually just a surprise and they try to eat well while they're pregnant, or not. But I feel very educated about what the babies need will be and how important it is for me to start eating well now. Especially having PCOS. 2) I'm building the foundations in my body like one would build the foundation of a house. Hopefully my future baby will be living in a mansion!

I have bad days and some times bad weeks, which I spoke to my nutritionist about, and she said that I need to just get up and dust myself off. The more self destructive thing would be to get really down on myself and tell myself that I'm loser, etc. Right now I have more good days than bad days and I'll settle for that. This is something that I will have to struggle with the rest of my life. Not just because of my weight but because I have PCOS. There is no cure. But it can be managed. Just like people take a pill for some illness, my management is eating healthy and exercising. For the rest of my life.

My Weight Loss Journey: Reality & IVF

I know I haven't really updated this blog faithfully but I will try and do better in the future. Sometimes I just don't have anything new to say. Its the same ole same ole struggle. And I'm sure no one really wants to hear the same complaining all the time.

Anyway, I went to a nutritionist the other day. My insurance company required me to do this because my husband and I are going to be starting IVF soon. So because of my BMI they required me to go to a Fetal Maternal Medicine specialist and a Nutritionist. I went to a dietician years ago and it was a complete waste of my time so I really wasn't looking forward to this visit. And I definitely would never have gone on my own.

I was definitely pleasantly surprised. The nutritionist, Dr. Hilary Wright (Domar Center in Waltham), never made me feel bad about myself and never said I shouldn't do this that or the other thing. It was all really positive and informative. I have PCOS, which includes insulin resistance, and she wrote a book about having a healthy diet when you have PCOS. In all the doctors I have ever had, not one of them gave me as much info about PCOS as she did. Especially making sure that I eat properly with this condition.

Everything Dr. Wright said to me made so much sense and really clicked in my head. I've been eating a more balanced diet for the past few days and I feel great. I don't feel deprived and I feel like I have so many more options than if I was on one of these fad diets out there. Of course there are things that I need to stay from, and I need to incorporate exercise (which I already do, about 3x a week) but it's probably one of the easiest things I've ever done as far as "dieting" goes. But really, it's not a diet, its a more healthy way to live and eat for life.

One of the things that she said that really convinced about all of this was when she started talking about preparing a good environment for my future baby. How I eat definitely effects that. I've been through so much and still have such a long road ahead of me with IVF that anything that helps my chances of successful IVF is worth it to me. And it definitely helps me to be healthy for my future baby. If I can learn how to live and eat healthy, I can teach my kids how to live and eat healthy. Which is so important to me because I would never want my kids to have to go through the things I went through growing up, and I especially would not want them to develop Type 2 diabetes or be obese.

So this is what has been going on in my weight loss journey.

My Weight Loss Journey: Jinx

I'm so scared to talk about the "good times" because I'm afraid to jinx myself, but on the other hand I don't want to be a downer every time I write either. It's hard to focus on the positive when there's a lot of negative things happening around me but there really are lots of positives in my life. But today is day 3 of being back on the wagon and I feel really good, the carbo bloat is gone, thank GOD for that. Craig and I joined the gym yesterday. It's just too hot to do anything outside in the summer. I prefer to be outside but its too much right now. I've lost a couple of pounds in the fast few days and I hope that I can continue to see the scale going down. I really want to lose 30 pounds by December. That's when Craig and I are going to England and I really want to just look good and feel good about myself.

My first day at the gym was interesting. I was really encouraged because I am in some kind of shape, I can run on the tread mill, and I'm not just dying. I have a realistic goal of going to the gym twice a week and doing the Wii Fit on the days I don't go. I really love my Wii Fit  so now that I'm motivated, I don't think I'll have a hard time getting back into it.

Short and sweet today :)

My Weight Loss Journey: Focus

First I wanted to say that the reason I name every post "My Weight Loss Journey" is because I feel like that's my life. Everyday is a journey and a struggle with my weight. Second, I wanted to thank everyone for your prayers for my surgery. I survived lol Like any surgery it was really scary but I have an amazing husband who kept me distracted for 2 hours while I was waiting to be taken to the OR. I have amazing friends who prayed for me and I definitely felt those prayers. I also have an amazing faithful God who guided the surgeon, the nurses, the anesthesiologist (who was the most important to me lol) and everyone involved. Now, I just have to wait for my post-op appointment where I will get the results from pathology. There were more polyps than the doctor originally thought, I'm not sure what that means yet but I'm just trying to be patient.

I'm trying to get my focus back. I know that the next few months are going to be really emotional so I need to decide that I am going to continue with my weight loss, being careful with what I eat, even though I know I will want to eat whatever I want. Its hard to explain this to people who don't struggle with their weight, or maybe they do and they don't have the same tendencies but like I said in my last post, I comfort eat so I'm going to have to learn to use something else to comfort myself. Because I'm a Christian and a lot of my friend's are as well, I know it's easy to say that God is the Great Comforter and that I can turn to Him but knowing that and putting that into practice is totally different. Overeating is not just overeating, there's always something behind it. It's not like one can just stop. If that were the case people wouldn't be over weight. I know I'm over weight because I over eat and I choose to eat the wrong things. So I wish it were that easy to say I trust in God to not make me over eat today, I have to work hard at it everyday, and that's why people fail because it is HARD, its the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and when I see commercials say "Do this, use our system, its easy to lose weight with us" I want to reach through the TV and strangle them because its lies to make money and when people fail they get even more discouraged because they believe it's supposed to be easy like the man on TV said. ITS NOT!  Anyway, I'm rambling now. I'm getting my focus back and believe me, I do trust in God or I wouldn't even be here today. I've never been so happy or felt so blessed in my life, even with all the strife going on around me. God has given me an amazing partner who supports me, we support each other, and we love each other and we're both determined to see each other through these hard times. I know my Savior lives.

My Weight Loss Journey: Life!!

I'm not too sure what I'm going to write in this post. So much has been going on and I've questioned whether or not I even want to write about any of it. On the one hand I feel like people don't want to hear it or they don't care (if that's the case STOP READING NOW!) and on the other hand I feel like what if there's someone out there struggling with the same things and they read this and it empowers them? I know that I've read many blogs and felt like that. I guess I would just caution and say if you don't want to read this post then don't. It may get a little personal. I have that much swirling around my head that I don't even know what the next line is going to be. And also it may not make sense because my brain is all over the place.

I haven't written in ages because I have felt like such an utter failure. I lost about 30 lbs and I've gained about half of it back. I was looking at pics of me from when I did lose the weight and I was so sad. I remember thinking back then (just a few months ago) that I was huge and the weigh loss didn't even matter because I still looked gross, but when I look at pics I see that there was a huge difference with even just a small weight loss.

The downward spiral started when I got sick at the end of May. Its not something that I like to talk about because I was utterly devastated. That not only started my downward spiral as far as eating went but it started me on an emotional downward spiral. That lasted for a good 4 weeks or so. Then I had surgery on my foot to remove some plantar warts that I had. That kept me away from being active which made me even more depressed. Now, when I say depressed, don't get me wrong, I wasn't clinically depressed, I just wasn't myself and I knew I wasn't. I wasn't sad all the time and moping around but I knew I wasn't happy with what I was doing.  Anyway, everything started to pile up. After the foot surgery, it was bad news from the fertility doctor and now its surgery to remove polyps from my uterus. It all has been piling up and I know that I eat my emotions basically. Its a comfort thing for me so to be going through all of this stuff AND not able to eat what I want on top of that was too much for me so even though I haven't really been just eating all what I want all the time, I'm still not doing as well as I know I can and my weight gain has showed that.

I know that having polyps removed is not a big deal but its surgery and it can end up being a big deal. It could be cancer (my mom had uterine cancer); the surgery could result in scarring which could put the IVF in danger because I wouldn't have a healthy uterus. There's a lot of bad that could happen and its really hard to focus on the good which is at least they're being removed. Its completely possible that they're nothing, just polyps and once they're removed everything will be great. It's just the unknown that has really been getting to me.

Did I mention the heat and the fact that I'm allergic to the sun? Yah, it sucks. Oh and I have asthma. All of these things make it difficult for me to run which I really have started to love and not being able to do it is making me depressed. And as time passes and I don't go running, its harder and harder to get back to it.I just found out that when I was younger I was allergic to the sun and my mom thought that I grew out of it but I've always had some kind of issue with the sun and never knew that I was allergic before and I'm assuming I still am because if the issues I have, but it just manifests differently now.

I wish I could think positive and be all cheery, but the reality of it is, I'm just not at this moment in time and I want to be real. And I also want to just feel how I feel and have that be OK.

My Weight Loss Journey: Back on the Wagon!

"I'm back.....I'm back on the wagon again" (in my best Steven Tyler voice). What a crazy two weeks!!! I gained about 6 pounds :( But I'm more determined than ever. And I feel like I'm on this journey for the rest of my life and set backs are to be expected. I didn't want to be sick, I certainly didn't ask to be incapacitated, but I did ask for junk food lol Now I have to face the consequences and hopefully I'll be down the 6 pounds by the end of this week or next. The fact that I can go running now will be a huge help. And I'm getting a new bike this week! Mine was stolen out of my cellar last year. 

One of the things that I really want to do is get together a running troop of sorts. I've read, and I firmly believe, when you run with people it's so beneficial. I know when I run with Craig it helps me to do better. And when I ran the 5k last year I found that I really pushed myself more because not only was I in a race but I was around other people and I wanted to do the best I could do. I feel really encouraged with other people around too because I feel like "I can do this!".

Well, its short and sweet today. If you want to join me in my "troop" let me know.

My Weight Loss Journey: Motivation

Phew.....I feel like I've been through the ringer this past week and a half! I had an allergic reaction to some meds which led to other issues and it took me a while to recover, physically and mentally. It has been a pretty huge set back for me. I've gained a few pounds, which I think I can recover quickly from so I'm trying not to be too discouraged. 

Anyway! My reason for writing today is to just talk about my motivation. I think I've mentioned it before, but never in detail. I think that motivation in weight loss is so important, for me anyway. It's pretty much like anything else, you have to WANT to lose weight. There are a few things that motivated me, 1) I was at the end of my rope and tired of being "fat" and stagnant 2) [which is the main one] I really want to have a baby and with PCOS when one is overweight, any weight loss can only help. With any pregnancy really. When you're overweight there's more of a chance of  needing a c-section, and other complications. So losing weight is all around good! So that's my main motivation, I really want to have a baby! 

Weight Loss Journey: When the Going Gets Tough............

........the not so tough EAT CAKE! I feel like that's all I've done this week. The meds I'm on at the minute make me have a loss of appetite but when I do eat, I choose to eat utter crap. It's not just the feeling ill part, its the feeling ill and feeling a little depressed. I can't really do much, my meds make me feel light headed, so I can't go outside. When I do go out I have to have Craig with me so I can lean on him and even then it's slow going. I'm not used to going slow. I need to be busy. I'm not used to being still. And now its a beautiful day outside, and I would love to go for even a walk, but I'm stuck. 

I can feel my face getting fatter by the second. I'm doing my best not to be discouraged because I know I will feel better soon and I'll be right back to it, and even  more determined than before but at this very moment in time I don't feel that way. I had a piece of cake for breakfast instead of my usual Atkins shake, which I actually enjoy. I don't feel guilty, which I probably should, but I don't. I will when I'm back on the wagon I'm sure. 

I wish I had more encouraging things to say. I want to be honest and I feel like if I write when I'm in a good mood and having a good day then it's not me being honest. I know this will pass and tomorrow will be a new day, but this road is filled with speed bumps and pot holes, and right now I'm in a pot hole.  

I do have motivation behind wanting to lose weight, which I can't share at the minute but I will in the near future, and that's what is helping me keep on track (obviously not this week). I think everyone needs some kind of motivation, even if its just to feel healthy, or have more energy. But because of my motivation, I HAVE to get right back on track and SOON.

Weight Loss Journey: Emotional Eating

It's funny how I justify "emotional eating". It's like all of a sudden I can eat what I like because I'm having a bad day. I got some really bad news this week, so automatically I go into pity party mode and have Chinese food and ice cream. I don't really feel guilty about it today to be honest, but I know it still doesn't justify the "emotional eating". I think this is the first time I've done this since I started on this journey. It made me realize that I do look to food for comfort which was a revelation to me. But we can only learn from our mistakes and move forward. After all, this is a journey, I don't have all the answers, I'm learning as I go. Learning about myself, my weaknesses and my strengths, learning how to deal with things as they come and learning to not rely on food. It may take me years, which I am fully expecting, but I'm in this for the long haul and I won't give up. Even if that means two steps forward and one step back every now and again until its forward all the way. 

Please don't ever be discouraged. I think we all think we should be perfect the first time we try something and that's simply not the case, especially with weight loss. The key is to pick ourselves up by the boot straps when we fall and keep going. Don't let one minor defeat define you as a failure. Don't get me wrong, a series of defeats can set you back a long way so we should all strive to not only do the best we can but to work hard til it hurts. And then hopefully, the defeats become less and less and we will live in victory on a daily basis.

Weight Loss Journey

I'm not sure where to start but I guess it would be the beginning and for me that is really at the beginning, like when I was 4 or 5, which is 28-29 years ago. I was very aware of the fact that I was overweight but I don't think I really understood what it meant as far as my health but only that I was different from my friends. I also really hated buying clothes, even at that young age. And I was teased A LOT at school. But I never thought about losing weight, I don't think I understand that concept, I guess I just figured that was how it was, I was fat. 


Even though I was always active, even in high school, the weight just seemed to stick with me. 

So, fast forward to present day. Overweight my whole life, self esteem not exactly in tact, PCOS, tumor on my pituitary gland, feeling like I will NEVER lose weight. I had tried diets, but never stuck with them, usually because I would get so discouraged with lack of result, or I had no support and encouragement. 

When I met Craig, my husband, we kinda shared the same struggle. I definitely would not class him as "fat" but he also struggled with his weight from a young age, 12-13. He had lost approximately 70 lbs. but gained most of it back by the time I first went to England and met him. I didn't think he was fat, but he felt fat. 

When Craig and I decided that he would move here and we wanted to get married we also decided that we would have an active lifestyle and lose weight, and more importantly, be healthy. We both really enjoy being outside and being active so it wasn't a difficult thing to do, the difficult thing was to watch what we eat. Our biggest problem is food. For him it's sweets, chocolate and what not; for me it's food in general, burgers, fries, pizza, cake....pretty much everything. I was never a binge eater or anything like, I just liked to eat and I liked food. But with having PCOS (Poly cystic ovary syndrome)and a pituitary lesion or tumor , that is a very dangerous road. (You can google that condition for more information about it.)

So, here we are, April 2011 and so far we have both lost 30 pounds. We have been doing a low carb diet since the middle of February and we've been exercising, mostly I do the Wii Fit and run/walk. Craig runs a lot, and we both play tennis and soon we will be bike riding. 

These past two months have really been an emotional roller coaster. One's weight naturally fluctuates approx. 2lbs a day so that is frustrating when the Wii Fit tells you to weigh yourself everyday. So we've both had to try and not weigh ourselves obsessively. It's really difficult. On the one hand I like weighing myself everyday because I feel more accountable and on the other, because of natural weight fluctuations, my whole day can be ruined. I do my best to stick to weighing in 2 or 3 times a week. 

Another issue all together is trying not to "cheat" or have any kind of treat, which is impossible. We didn't have any kind of treat for the first 4 weeks, which was really hard, and now we have a treat almost every weekend. In my opinion, we need that little break just for our sanity because I feel like without a treat we will binge, but at the same time when we have a treat on a Sunday and weigh ourselves on a Monday, it can be quite discouraging, even if there's only a .2 weight gain. That's when I institute the rule of not weighing myself until at least 2 days after my treat day :)

This past weekend was Easter and we really went off the wagon. We basically made ourselves sick. But I always try to remember that its a new day now. I can't change what I did this weekend but I can go forward. I've lost 30 lbs., I feel great and I am going forward. That's what I TRY and tell myself. 

In the past two months I feel much better about myself. I'm definitely more confident, I've decided on what I want to do with the rest of my life (more to come about that at a later date) and I feel like Craig and I are have a common goal that we're both reaching for and that has only brought us closer. 

Everyday is a new day and new struggle. No one ever said it would be easy but it's definitely worth it. I have about 80 more pounds to lose, which seemed overwhelming at first, especially when I was staring down a 120 pound weight loss, but now that I'm down 30 lbs., it seems attainable. 


Thanks for reading my first blog post. I'm going to try and keep up with it. Your comments are welcome.