My Weight Loss Journey: Jinx

I'm so scared to talk about the "good times" because I'm afraid to jinx myself, but on the other hand I don't want to be a downer every time I write either. It's hard to focus on the positive when there's a lot of negative things happening around me but there really are lots of positives in my life. But today is day 3 of being back on the wagon and I feel really good, the carbo bloat is gone, thank GOD for that. Craig and I joined the gym yesterday. It's just too hot to do anything outside in the summer. I prefer to be outside but its too much right now. I've lost a couple of pounds in the fast few days and I hope that I can continue to see the scale going down. I really want to lose 30 pounds by December. That's when Craig and I are going to England and I really want to just look good and feel good about myself.

My first day at the gym was interesting. I was really encouraged because I am in some kind of shape, I can run on the tread mill, and I'm not just dying. I have a realistic goal of going to the gym twice a week and doing the Wii Fit on the days I don't go. I really love my Wii Fit  so now that I'm motivated, I don't think I'll have a hard time getting back into it.

Short and sweet today :)

My Weight Loss Journey: Focus

First I wanted to say that the reason I name every post "My Weight Loss Journey" is because I feel like that's my life. Everyday is a journey and a struggle with my weight. Second, I wanted to thank everyone for your prayers for my surgery. I survived lol Like any surgery it was really scary but I have an amazing husband who kept me distracted for 2 hours while I was waiting to be taken to the OR. I have amazing friends who prayed for me and I definitely felt those prayers. I also have an amazing faithful God who guided the surgeon, the nurses, the anesthesiologist (who was the most important to me lol) and everyone involved. Now, I just have to wait for my post-op appointment where I will get the results from pathology. There were more polyps than the doctor originally thought, I'm not sure what that means yet but I'm just trying to be patient.

I'm trying to get my focus back. I know that the next few months are going to be really emotional so I need to decide that I am going to continue with my weight loss, being careful with what I eat, even though I know I will want to eat whatever I want. Its hard to explain this to people who don't struggle with their weight, or maybe they do and they don't have the same tendencies but like I said in my last post, I comfort eat so I'm going to have to learn to use something else to comfort myself. Because I'm a Christian and a lot of my friend's are as well, I know it's easy to say that God is the Great Comforter and that I can turn to Him but knowing that and putting that into practice is totally different. Overeating is not just overeating, there's always something behind it. It's not like one can just stop. If that were the case people wouldn't be over weight. I know I'm over weight because I over eat and I choose to eat the wrong things. So I wish it were that easy to say I trust in God to not make me over eat today, I have to work hard at it everyday, and that's why people fail because it is HARD, its the hardest thing I've ever done in my life and when I see commercials say "Do this, use our system, its easy to lose weight with us" I want to reach through the TV and strangle them because its lies to make money and when people fail they get even more discouraged because they believe it's supposed to be easy like the man on TV said. ITS NOT!  Anyway, I'm rambling now. I'm getting my focus back and believe me, I do trust in God or I wouldn't even be here today. I've never been so happy or felt so blessed in my life, even with all the strife going on around me. God has given me an amazing partner who supports me, we support each other, and we love each other and we're both determined to see each other through these hard times. I know my Savior lives.

My Weight Loss Journey: Life!!

I'm not too sure what I'm going to write in this post. So much has been going on and I've questioned whether or not I even want to write about any of it. On the one hand I feel like people don't want to hear it or they don't care (if that's the case STOP READING NOW!) and on the other hand I feel like what if there's someone out there struggling with the same things and they read this and it empowers them? I know that I've read many blogs and felt like that. I guess I would just caution and say if you don't want to read this post then don't. It may get a little personal. I have that much swirling around my head that I don't even know what the next line is going to be. And also it may not make sense because my brain is all over the place.

I haven't written in ages because I have felt like such an utter failure. I lost about 30 lbs and I've gained about half of it back. I was looking at pics of me from when I did lose the weight and I was so sad. I remember thinking back then (just a few months ago) that I was huge and the weigh loss didn't even matter because I still looked gross, but when I look at pics I see that there was a huge difference with even just a small weight loss.

The downward spiral started when I got sick at the end of May. Its not something that I like to talk about because I was utterly devastated. That not only started my downward spiral as far as eating went but it started me on an emotional downward spiral. That lasted for a good 4 weeks or so. Then I had surgery on my foot to remove some plantar warts that I had. That kept me away from being active which made me even more depressed. Now, when I say depressed, don't get me wrong, I wasn't clinically depressed, I just wasn't myself and I knew I wasn't. I wasn't sad all the time and moping around but I knew I wasn't happy with what I was doing.  Anyway, everything started to pile up. After the foot surgery, it was bad news from the fertility doctor and now its surgery to remove polyps from my uterus. It all has been piling up and I know that I eat my emotions basically. Its a comfort thing for me so to be going through all of this stuff AND not able to eat what I want on top of that was too much for me so even though I haven't really been just eating all what I want all the time, I'm still not doing as well as I know I can and my weight gain has showed that.

I know that having polyps removed is not a big deal but its surgery and it can end up being a big deal. It could be cancer (my mom had uterine cancer); the surgery could result in scarring which could put the IVF in danger because I wouldn't have a healthy uterus. There's a lot of bad that could happen and its really hard to focus on the good which is at least they're being removed. Its completely possible that they're nothing, just polyps and once they're removed everything will be great. It's just the unknown that has really been getting to me.

Did I mention the heat and the fact that I'm allergic to the sun? Yah, it sucks. Oh and I have asthma. All of these things make it difficult for me to run which I really have started to love and not being able to do it is making me depressed. And as time passes and I don't go running, its harder and harder to get back to it.I just found out that when I was younger I was allergic to the sun and my mom thought that I grew out of it but I've always had some kind of issue with the sun and never knew that I was allergic before and I'm assuming I still am because if the issues I have, but it just manifests differently now.

I wish I could think positive and be all cheery, but the reality of it is, I'm just not at this moment in time and I want to be real. And I also want to just feel how I feel and have that be OK.