My Weight Loss Journey: Life!!

I'm not too sure what I'm going to write in this post. So much has been going on and I've questioned whether or not I even want to write about any of it. On the one hand I feel like people don't want to hear it or they don't care (if that's the case STOP READING NOW!) and on the other hand I feel like what if there's someone out there struggling with the same things and they read this and it empowers them? I know that I've read many blogs and felt like that. I guess I would just caution and say if you don't want to read this post then don't. It may get a little personal. I have that much swirling around my head that I don't even know what the next line is going to be. And also it may not make sense because my brain is all over the place.

I haven't written in ages because I have felt like such an utter failure. I lost about 30 lbs and I've gained about half of it back. I was looking at pics of me from when I did lose the weight and I was so sad. I remember thinking back then (just a few months ago) that I was huge and the weigh loss didn't even matter because I still looked gross, but when I look at pics I see that there was a huge difference with even just a small weight loss.

The downward spiral started when I got sick at the end of May. Its not something that I like to talk about because I was utterly devastated. That not only started my downward spiral as far as eating went but it started me on an emotional downward spiral. That lasted for a good 4 weeks or so. Then I had surgery on my foot to remove some plantar warts that I had. That kept me away from being active which made me even more depressed. Now, when I say depressed, don't get me wrong, I wasn't clinically depressed, I just wasn't myself and I knew I wasn't. I wasn't sad all the time and moping around but I knew I wasn't happy with what I was doing.  Anyway, everything started to pile up. After the foot surgery, it was bad news from the fertility doctor and now its surgery to remove polyps from my uterus. It all has been piling up and I know that I eat my emotions basically. Its a comfort thing for me so to be going through all of this stuff AND not able to eat what I want on top of that was too much for me so even though I haven't really been just eating all what I want all the time, I'm still not doing as well as I know I can and my weight gain has showed that.

I know that having polyps removed is not a big deal but its surgery and it can end up being a big deal. It could be cancer (my mom had uterine cancer); the surgery could result in scarring which could put the IVF in danger because I wouldn't have a healthy uterus. There's a lot of bad that could happen and its really hard to focus on the good which is at least they're being removed. Its completely possible that they're nothing, just polyps and once they're removed everything will be great. It's just the unknown that has really been getting to me.

Did I mention the heat and the fact that I'm allergic to the sun? Yah, it sucks. Oh and I have asthma. All of these things make it difficult for me to run which I really have started to love and not being able to do it is making me depressed. And as time passes and I don't go running, its harder and harder to get back to it.I just found out that when I was younger I was allergic to the sun and my mom thought that I grew out of it but I've always had some kind of issue with the sun and never knew that I was allergic before and I'm assuming I still am because if the issues I have, but it just manifests differently now.

I wish I could think positive and be all cheery, but the reality of it is, I'm just not at this moment in time and I want to be real. And I also want to just feel how I feel and have that be OK.

My Weight Loss Journey: Back on the Wagon!

"I'm back.....I'm back on the wagon again" (in my best Steven Tyler voice). What a crazy two weeks!!! I gained about 6 pounds :( But I'm more determined than ever. And I feel like I'm on this journey for the rest of my life and set backs are to be expected. I didn't want to be sick, I certainly didn't ask to be incapacitated, but I did ask for junk food lol Now I have to face the consequences and hopefully I'll be down the 6 pounds by the end of this week or next. The fact that I can go running now will be a huge help. And I'm getting a new bike this week! Mine was stolen out of my cellar last year. 

One of the things that I really want to do is get together a running troop of sorts. I've read, and I firmly believe, when you run with people it's so beneficial. I know when I run with Craig it helps me to do better. And when I ran the 5k last year I found that I really pushed myself more because not only was I in a race but I was around other people and I wanted to do the best I could do. I feel really encouraged with other people around too because I feel like "I can do this!".

Well, its short and sweet today. If you want to join me in my "troop" let me know.

My Weight Loss Journey: Motivation

Phew.....I feel like I've been through the ringer this past week and a half! I had an allergic reaction to some meds which led to other issues and it took me a while to recover, physically and mentally. It has been a pretty huge set back for me. I've gained a few pounds, which I think I can recover quickly from so I'm trying not to be too discouraged. 

Anyway! My reason for writing today is to just talk about my motivation. I think I've mentioned it before, but never in detail. I think that motivation in weight loss is so important, for me anyway. It's pretty much like anything else, you have to WANT to lose weight. There are a few things that motivated me, 1) I was at the end of my rope and tired of being "fat" and stagnant 2) [which is the main one] I really want to have a baby and with PCOS when one is overweight, any weight loss can only help. With any pregnancy really. When you're overweight there's more of a chance of  needing a c-section, and other complications. So losing weight is all around good! So that's my main motivation, I really want to have a baby! 

Weight Loss Journey: When the Going Gets Tough............

........the not so tough EAT CAKE! I feel like that's all I've done this week. The meds I'm on at the minute make me have a loss of appetite but when I do eat, I choose to eat utter crap. It's not just the feeling ill part, its the feeling ill and feeling a little depressed. I can't really do much, my meds make me feel light headed, so I can't go outside. When I do go out I have to have Craig with me so I can lean on him and even then it's slow going. I'm not used to going slow. I need to be busy. I'm not used to being still. And now its a beautiful day outside, and I would love to go for even a walk, but I'm stuck. 

I can feel my face getting fatter by the second. I'm doing my best not to be discouraged because I know I will feel better soon and I'll be right back to it, and even  more determined than before but at this very moment in time I don't feel that way. I had a piece of cake for breakfast instead of my usual Atkins shake, which I actually enjoy. I don't feel guilty, which I probably should, but I don't. I will when I'm back on the wagon I'm sure. 

I wish I had more encouraging things to say. I want to be honest and I feel like if I write when I'm in a good mood and having a good day then it's not me being honest. I know this will pass and tomorrow will be a new day, but this road is filled with speed bumps and pot holes, and right now I'm in a pot hole.  

I do have motivation behind wanting to lose weight, which I can't share at the minute but I will in the near future, and that's what is helping me keep on track (obviously not this week). I think everyone needs some kind of motivation, even if its just to feel healthy, or have more energy. But because of my motivation, I HAVE to get right back on track and SOON.

Weight Loss Journey: Emotional Eating

It's funny how I justify "emotional eating". It's like all of a sudden I can eat what I like because I'm having a bad day. I got some really bad news this week, so automatically I go into pity party mode and have Chinese food and ice cream. I don't really feel guilty about it today to be honest, but I know it still doesn't justify the "emotional eating". I think this is the first time I've done this since I started on this journey. It made me realize that I do look to food for comfort which was a revelation to me. But we can only learn from our mistakes and move forward. After all, this is a journey, I don't have all the answers, I'm learning as I go. Learning about myself, my weaknesses and my strengths, learning how to deal with things as they come and learning to not rely on food. It may take me years, which I am fully expecting, but I'm in this for the long haul and I won't give up. Even if that means two steps forward and one step back every now and again until its forward all the way. 

Please don't ever be discouraged. I think we all think we should be perfect the first time we try something and that's simply not the case, especially with weight loss. The key is to pick ourselves up by the boot straps when we fall and keep going. Don't let one minor defeat define you as a failure. Don't get me wrong, a series of defeats can set you back a long way so we should all strive to not only do the best we can but to work hard til it hurts. And then hopefully, the defeats become less and less and we will live in victory on a daily basis.

Weight Loss Journey

I'm not sure where to start but I guess it would be the beginning and for me that is really at the beginning, like when I was 4 or 5, which is 28-29 years ago. I was very aware of the fact that I was overweight but I don't think I really understood what it meant as far as my health but only that I was different from my friends. I also really hated buying clothes, even at that young age. And I was teased A LOT at school. But I never thought about losing weight, I don't think I understand that concept, I guess I just figured that was how it was, I was fat. 


Even though I was always active, even in high school, the weight just seemed to stick with me. 

So, fast forward to present day. Overweight my whole life, self esteem not exactly in tact, PCOS, tumor on my pituitary gland, feeling like I will NEVER lose weight. I had tried diets, but never stuck with them, usually because I would get so discouraged with lack of result, or I had no support and encouragement. 

When I met Craig, my husband, we kinda shared the same struggle. I definitely would not class him as "fat" but he also struggled with his weight from a young age, 12-13. He had lost approximately 70 lbs. but gained most of it back by the time I first went to England and met him. I didn't think he was fat, but he felt fat. 

When Craig and I decided that he would move here and we wanted to get married we also decided that we would have an active lifestyle and lose weight, and more importantly, be healthy. We both really enjoy being outside and being active so it wasn't a difficult thing to do, the difficult thing was to watch what we eat. Our biggest problem is food. For him it's sweets, chocolate and what not; for me it's food in general, burgers, fries, pizza, cake....pretty much everything. I was never a binge eater or anything like, I just liked to eat and I liked food. But with having PCOS (Poly cystic ovary syndrome)and a pituitary lesion or tumor , that is a very dangerous road. (You can google that condition for more information about it.)

So, here we are, April 2011 and so far we have both lost 30 pounds. We have been doing a low carb diet since the middle of February and we've been exercising, mostly I do the Wii Fit and run/walk. Craig runs a lot, and we both play tennis and soon we will be bike riding. 

These past two months have really been an emotional roller coaster. One's weight naturally fluctuates approx. 2lbs a day so that is frustrating when the Wii Fit tells you to weigh yourself everyday. So we've both had to try and not weigh ourselves obsessively. It's really difficult. On the one hand I like weighing myself everyday because I feel more accountable and on the other, because of natural weight fluctuations, my whole day can be ruined. I do my best to stick to weighing in 2 or 3 times a week. 

Another issue all together is trying not to "cheat" or have any kind of treat, which is impossible. We didn't have any kind of treat for the first 4 weeks, which was really hard, and now we have a treat almost every weekend. In my opinion, we need that little break just for our sanity because I feel like without a treat we will binge, but at the same time when we have a treat on a Sunday and weigh ourselves on a Monday, it can be quite discouraging, even if there's only a .2 weight gain. That's when I institute the rule of not weighing myself until at least 2 days after my treat day :)

This past weekend was Easter and we really went off the wagon. We basically made ourselves sick. But I always try to remember that its a new day now. I can't change what I did this weekend but I can go forward. I've lost 30 lbs., I feel great and I am going forward. That's what I TRY and tell myself. 

In the past two months I feel much better about myself. I'm definitely more confident, I've decided on what I want to do with the rest of my life (more to come about that at a later date) and I feel like Craig and I are have a common goal that we're both reaching for and that has only brought us closer. 

Everyday is a new day and new struggle. No one ever said it would be easy but it's definitely worth it. I have about 80 more pounds to lose, which seemed overwhelming at first, especially when I was staring down a 120 pound weight loss, but now that I'm down 30 lbs., it seems attainable. 


Thanks for reading my first blog post. I'm going to try and keep up with it. Your comments are welcome.