I'm not too sure what I'm going to write in this post. So much has been going on and I've questioned whether or not I even want to write about any of it. On the one hand I feel like people don't want to hear it or they don't care (if that's the case STOP READING NOW!) and on the other hand I feel like what if there's someone out there struggling with the same things and they read this and it empowers them? I know that I've read many blogs and felt like that. I guess I would just caution and say if you don't want to read this post then don't. It may get a little personal. I have that much swirling around my head that I don't even know what the next line is going to be. And also it may not make sense because my brain is all over the place.
I haven't written in ages because I have felt like such an utter failure. I lost about 30 lbs and I've gained about half of it back. I was looking at pics of me from when I did lose the weight and I was so sad. I remember thinking back then (just a few months ago) that I was huge and the weigh loss didn't even matter because I still looked gross, but when I look at pics I see that there was a huge difference with even just a small weight loss.
The downward spiral started when I got sick at the end of May. Its not something that I like to talk about because I was utterly devastated. That not only started my downward spiral as far as eating went but it started me on an emotional downward spiral. That lasted for a good 4 weeks or so. Then I had surgery on my foot to remove some plantar warts that I had. That kept me away from being active which made me even more depressed. Now, when I say depressed, don't get me wrong, I wasn't clinically depressed, I just wasn't myself and I knew I wasn't. I wasn't sad all the time and moping around but I knew I wasn't happy with what I was doing. Anyway, everything started to pile up. After the foot surgery, it was bad news from the fertility doctor and now its surgery to remove polyps from my uterus. It all has been piling up and I know that I eat my emotions basically. Its a comfort thing for me so to be going through all of this stuff AND not able to eat what I want on top of that was too much for me so even though I haven't really been just eating all what I want all the time, I'm still not doing as well as I know I can and my weight gain has showed that.
I know that having polyps removed is not a big deal but its surgery and it can end up being a big deal. It could be cancer (my mom had uterine cancer); the surgery could result in scarring which could put the IVF in danger because I wouldn't have a healthy uterus. There's a lot of bad that could happen and its really hard to focus on the good which is at least they're being removed. Its completely possible that they're nothing, just polyps and once they're removed everything will be great. It's just the unknown that has really been getting to me.
Did I mention the heat and the fact that I'm allergic to the sun? Yah, it sucks. Oh and I have asthma. All of these things make it difficult for me to run which I really have started to love and not being able to do it is making me depressed. And as time passes and I don't go running, its harder and harder to get back to it.I just found out that when I was younger I was allergic to the sun and my mom thought that I grew out of it but I've always had some kind of issue with the sun and never knew that I was allergic before and I'm assuming I still am because if the issues I have, but it just manifests differently now.
I wish I could think positive and be all cheery, but the reality of it is, I'm just not at this moment in time and I want to be real. And I also want to just feel how I feel and have that be OK.
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